Finally I remember what I wanted to write about and share for so long. I think I had to get to a space of better understanding before I could do so. I also had some lovely remote energy work done by Kelly Trombly who owns the Divine Energy Center in NY state. I did read about the type of energy work she is trained in but honestly could not explain it here. Let me just say that it helped with my down in the dumps grief (in a way that is hard to put into words right now), and I am sure it’s helping my physical body, although that’s something I will see results with more slowly. Thank you again, Kelly.
Before it leaves me again, let me continue. You all have heard me speak many times about the Christ Consciousness. Jesus was a Christed being, so was the Buddha. I’m sure there were others. You recognize them not only through their mastery but also through their pure, unconditional love for all that is. It still perplexes me that Jesus’ entire story was about Love, and yet, people still kill and commit violence in his name. That’s a separate story though.
I can honestly say (and have said) that I did not truly understand Love until Erin’s body died. The irony does not escape me. And I capitalize Love because I mean real, actual love from the heart. Not romantic love (which is really just lust), not conditional love (I love you but…), just pure, unadulterated Love. It’s a different feeling and you feel it square in your heart center. That’s about the only way I can put it into words. It’s not just me that is beginning to embody this Christ Consciousness either. People all over the world are having their lives changed and their hearts opened. And I wonder, are they experiencing what I am experiencing?
By the way, by embodiment I mean it’s within you. You live it, breathe it, feel it. Are you perfect? Hell no. But you feel differently – about every thing. Literally everything and everyone. And hey, I don’t know what Jesus really said but even whomever wrote it down gave us the message. The way to god is through me – and he was Christ Consciousness embodied on earth. And by the way – the entire idea of god is Love, no matter what philosophy or religion you are talking about. It’s not separate – it is within you. The verse may have been a good puzzle but I understand it now.
So on with my story…after this happened within me, I began what I assume many religions would call a hellish experience and what I call a life review. When I say hellish, I don’t mean because of the obvious and you will understand once I finish here. Life reviews happen after you die, supposedly but according to age old sources and people who have had NDE’s as well. And I began to wonder, why in the hell am I experiencing this while I am alive? At first it just seemed cruel, but then I realized there must be a purpose.
Many non-religious people believe that the Ascension is near. Religious people believe the Rapture is near. Either way it’s basically the same type of thing, different names and slightly different narratives. But the narrative for either is that you can’t carry your baggage with you to wherever it is that you are going. Christians call it being washed in the blood (the soul cleansing blood of the lamb – one of my old time favorite hymns!). Ascension minded people work to clear emotional baggage and make amends. I guess Catholics (who yes, are also Christians) save it for Purgatory but they have to atone nonetheless. By the way – ATONE > AT ONE. See, there are clues and synchronicities everywhere.
At any rate, I have had almost 3 years of constant torture (hell). If I ever said an unkind thing or committed an unkind action towards you, believe me I have thought of it and paid for it in sorrow. They come up randomly, and it’s part of the PTSD that I experience in living color and sound and everything else. Many of them have come up over and over, and yes, I have horrible sorrow every time as I relive it and see how horribly I acted. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know better then, or was having a bad day, or whatever. I did/said those things. I should be punished. I am being punished.
But I’m also learning. Recently, and this is the reason I began to ponder this, I found myself within these living visions changing the narrative. I was saying what I wished I had said. I was apologizing. I was kind and loving. And I thought…but wait…this isn’t real. I can’t change what I did. Or can I?
I also did not know that I had all of this baggage following me around. I did years of emotional clearing work in the late 90’s and it lifted huge burdens. I guess it lifted so much I had no idea what I was carrying, even as it continued to pile up from my transgressions. I did not feel ill will towards much of anyone, but that didn’t stop me from creating it through unkind words and actions. Now I know. I have learned, and I have seen the value of the lessons. What I have not yet figured out is how to continue to take the responsibility while also forgiving myself. Or as I learned so many years ago, releasing myself from blame.
As you can see I don’t have all of the answers, but I do see that what I have been going through is something special. I wonder if others are doing the same? Those on the path of the Christ Consciousness anyway. The methods may be different but the result would be the same. I would love to hear from you. I would also love to know what you think this means. Clearly it’s a preparation of some sort for what comes next. The next place, or period.
If you are wondering about my health…right now I feel like crap and that’s why I haven’t written in several days. I took a lovely trip for the night to visit with family but I stayed up too late, and apparently caught someone’s bug. You know you are in shitty shape when staying up 2 hours or so past bedtime ruins your next day. LOL I am learning to be gentle with myself physically. Perhaps emotionally will come later.
Oh, and yes, Mother’s Day sucked. I ran from it. Thank you to everyone who took the time to send me a note. It really helps more than I can put to words.
Namaste, and #missingerin
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